Continued from When You Know Better, It’s Time To Do Better
My marriage was a trial yes, but I will always appreciate it. I learned so much from it.
It gave me the kick in the ass to finally start questioning:
- my life
- my thoughts
- my actions
- my values
- my boundaries
- my choices
- and who I was BEING vs who I felt I was deep inside.
It gave me the realization that I have a habit of giving up pieces of my identity in order to play different roles in my life.
- Coworker etc…
Who Am I?
I spent many years thinking the answer was in striving to be better in each of these roles in order to make others happy. Changing who I was in order to conform to others’ standards and others’ expectations of me.
I judged my self worth and value on how happy I could make others. That never works. You can never make others happy.
Perhaps superficially for short moments you can achieve this, but you will always fall short. Someone will inevitably ask why their favorite jeans aren’t clean, why we’re having broccoli again, or comment on the fact that they can’t believe you forgot to pay the phone bill on time.
My expectations for the appreciation I thought I deserved for working my ass off to please them and make their lives easier also fell short. Then Of course this brought on the guilt that I had been conditioned from childhood to feel when I was being SELFISH and THINKING ONLY OF MYSELF.
I should be selfless and giving. Not expecting anything in return. That’s what a good wife or mother should do.
All bullshit by the way.
The roles I was playing were making me miserable. The more I failed, the more I changed to get better at these roles. Conforming to my husbands values instead of my own to simply keep the peace. It didn’t help. Nothing helped. I could never be good enough. NEVER.
I was trying to find my worth in what I was DOING. In how well I was playing my ROLES. I was looking for validation of that worth from those around me who were more concerned about getting their own needs and wants met to ever worry about validating my worth or appreciating my effort.
The answer to who I was could not be found in what I was doing, what roles I was playing, or how well I was playing them.
If I removed the roles that I was playing and trying to define myself by, what did I have left?
Who was I?